I had a moment recently. When I was driving and out of nowhere, I get struck by, "Dad is dead."
I have them from time to time. And I know that I will have more. As this new life fact sinks in.
I thought, "did I have this with mom?"
I don't think so.
Mom's death was sudden. A shock. A kind of disaster. I was used to seeing her a few times a week. The loss of my mom was in my face. Real. Tangible.
I didn't see dad a few times a week. We lived far apart from each other. There were times when we didn't talk on the phone for weeks. Because I hate the phone. Because time passes. For whatever stupid reason. Point being, although he was a part of my life, there wasn't as much physical contact.
I know he's gone.
But. These moments where that knowledge is real...they suck.
I also understand the term "nail in the coffin" now. I didn't really get it before. Every thing that is taken care of. BANG! Another nail in his coffin. There may be a piece of mail tomorrow that will be another BANG!
I miss my mom.
I miss my dad.
Being an adult orphan sucks.